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I am scared.
I need you more right now than I ever did.
I'm fading away and its killing me.
Surgery delayed til 4th of November.
Just waiting around... crying all the fucking time. Its like a stay of execution.
I dont know if I'm going to make it this time.
I'm just hurting. So fucking much I cant even breathe.
Whats happening to me? I'm just fading away.
I dont want this. I dont know what I'm doing.
Why am I even trying?
The whole point of me being around is so redundant now.
*sigh*
x
- Location:Home
- Music:Save Your Heart-Mayday Parade
Have you ever just wished that you were in a different time?
That it was years from now where you seem to have everything worked out... where you truly beleive that everything is right.
When you can take a deep breath and your chest doesnt hurt... and your head doesnt spin.
And the whisper of certain words affirms you rather than devastates and destroys you.
That maybe you will have learnt to say the words that you kind of stutter over and cant say because you dont feel capable of meaning them.
That one day.... just maybe one day... you really will be better than this life that you are living.
That you might mean something to somebody else... that you might let somebody close enough to you to actually feel safe.
Because what I have learnt thus far is that letting somebody that close gives them more than the power to break you.
It gives them the right and the motivation.
Maybe you are not DESTINED to be alone.
God... why do I even bother????
Is it because in my heart I just know that there is something and I know I have to just keep holding on til I find the right place to put it??
Who really knows
x
And I am so scared. I know that i have wanted to die... that i have gone on and on about how much i want to leave.
But now I'm scared. What if it does all go wrong?? What if i dont make it out?? What about all the people that have learned to lean on me?? I admitt, i cant hold myself up most of the time, but i can hold them.
Or what if its worse than death?? What if i do end up unable to walk or something???
I'm so afraid. I found out Friday and i just cried and cried. I had to go out but was driving home at like midnight again just crying and crying. Saturday.... Sunday... Monday just crying and shaking. I have never felt more alone in my whole damn life. So fucking alone. Its devastating.
I just want one more night away... one night to drink and dance and love and laugh and make memories to get me through the next few weeks if i make it. Cos this is going to kill shit for me. No one will come and see me, no one will care. They will forget my name, forget me lying there for 2 months. Because i cant get to them. They will find other more healthy ways of stopping the pain. None of which involve me and i will just be redundant.
By the time i come back everyone will have learnt to live without me.
And that fucking kills. To be so temporary..
Did you know last night I decided i wasnt going to go on anyone elses terms? So i dragged it down the road not accross the street. But it wasnt strong enough, i needed something heavier.
So i patched it up and cried myself to sleep. Again.
I'm so scared.
I dont know how to do this.
I have never felt so alone.
x
When you realise you cant have company and time when you need to.
Cos theres always going to be someone better around.
But sometimes, when you are one step above being alone, your totally welcome.
But I cant need anything.
I'm just alone, scared and feeling all used up.
But... dear god. Dont let me interupt you.
When I go... dont you dare cry.
You never cared when I was here, why would you care after???
I think I'm just hurt.
Where did you go???
S
x
I think that the best thing to do at this point is to just go crazy. To stop caring and acting like there is a way out. Cos there is no way out.
Just have fun, enjoy stuff, go too far... if it is born in flames, then we should let it burn. Isn't that what they say???
I like this song:
You're an angel, I'm a devil
But we'll meet somewhere in between
Heaven, Hell, or the bedroom
I'll take you away from everything
You're a dream and I'm a nightmare
But we'll meet somewhere in between
The sheets or covers, and the headboard
I'll be a king if you are a queen
I just fell in love for the first time
Watch as I pick myself up off the ground
In the dark, I'm so far from the spotlight
Can you see me now?
I turn my back and walk away, away from the pain
Screaming loud, drown it out by the sound of the rain
Listen up, I've had enough of all this waiting
I need you more right now than I ever did
You're the minutes, I'm the hours
But we'll meet somewhere in between
Never now or too soon
I say we meet at a quarter to three
I just fell in love for the first time
Watch as I pick myself up off the ground
In the dark, I'm so far from the spotlight
Can you see me now?
I turn my back and walk away, away from the pain
Screaming loud, drown it out by the sound of the rain
Listen up, I've had enough of all this waiting
I need you more right now than I ever did
Cos lets face it, no one really cares how torn apart you are. No one cares that you can drag out long hours pretending to the version of "yourself" that they have come to know then you get in the car and drive away in tears. Just feeling so freaking repressed and pent up and just ready to melt down completely. But you cant do it around anyone else. So you say you are FINE and then make a joke and laugh away all their doubt. But each laugh kills you just a little bit more and you cant help but get a little hurt.
Okay, who am i trying to kid??? not a LITTLE hurt. A lot hurt. Devastatingly hurt and feeling so alone.
Like love and care and everything you need is taken away and given back at the drop of a hat.
And no one else can see it cos no one really observes and watches trends quite the way you do.
And all you can do is kill yourself a little more everyday with the face.
Cos no one is going to step back and care.
x
I am having trouble finishing my will. Its so difficult. Cos you want to leave little things to special people... then you run out of little things to give or think "is this person going to be hurt cos they think that I have left something they should have to someone else??" then you second guess it constantly. Its a pretty specific will. Leave everything to my parents and a few little random things to other people that I know will mean something to them. Its hard to prepare for the worst when you are convinced you are going to die and you are spending so much of your time trying to prepare everybody else for it... making sure that you have apologised for the things you always meant to and said thank you to the people that you foget to tell how much you love them. Making sure that they are set up and have ways to deal with things in case it upsets them...
Its really hard... to prepare the people you love for a life without you. Its hard for me cos I dont want to leave them cos I am so selfish.
I seem to be doing what everyone else does to be happy... hurting everybody I love. And its devastating.
I just feel sorry all the time. Sometimes I need things, I need help I need support I need someone to talk to. And all that does it upset the whole situation further.
So I am just going to "suffer in silence". I wont ask anything more of anybody. Because that just got me hurt worse than ever yesterday. Like... I had the biggest slap in the face I have ever had... and I was a mess for hours, beating the shit out of myself metophorically. Just berating myself... about every little mistake I have ever made.
So I got discarded again... what did I really think was going to happen??? That the sun would turn around and stop and I would have someone that amazing want to spend time with me?
Face it, I'm a time filler... one step above being alone.... sometimes. What did I really expect??
So... on my own. Keeping it all to myself.
I am so terrified now I can barely speak sometimes. I am so afraid and I feel so alone in all of this.
But again, who would want to actually care?
Why would anyone come to my rescue???
They just wouldnt, cos people realise what I have known all along...
I'm just not worth it.
X
- Location:work
But i think its these pills im on... i dont get a good nights sleep. I have these horrible nightmares. Sometimes il have a sweet but confusing dream, but most of the time its just like... butchers and surgery and it hurts so bad and i wake up in pain.
But lately there has been a lot of death. Like, someone lying dead in a window and then someone puts a mask on them and they open their eyes and smile... and they are just beyond beautiful.
And i always have this feeling of impending doom when i wake up... like i only have so long left and considering im gearing up for some quite big surgery... im getting scared.
I dont know...
Im a little bit lonely.
S.
I'm actually starting to question whether or not I should keep working until the surgery, its getting to be a little bit beyond painful.
You know what?
I'm hoping that, like, everything might be okay.
For now... but it wont last long. I'll get my heart broken over again dont worry.
x
And i havent cut in 2 days!!!!!! :)
And the blade that was driven purposefully and directly into my heart has now been swiftly pulled out.
So... do I heal? Or now its gone do I bleed out?
Or do I just keep self destructing???
I'm so lost.
x
I try to tell myself that it'll all be fine
But I cannot lie, I'd rather die then be alone
Things just arent the way that they are suppose to be
All I wanted was for you to love me
But as time passed, you went out so fast
Now Im alone
I never wanted to be alone
I always wanted you for me to hold
I dont know what I should do
Cause now I lost you
I wish you wouldnt have been so quick to leave
Everything we had, You ripped my heart in two
- Location:Work
- Mood:
confused
I dont want this.
x
I feel so trapped. So trapped and suffocated and worthless and just... tired. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of this whole being let down shit.
I dont know what to do. All i can see is hurt and pain and confusion and rejection and just.... just that pain is so unbearable.
I can deal with they physical stuff but not the emotional.
Because everything he ever said was a lie. EVERYTHING.
He doesnt care, he never ever did. Just a back up plan... someone to wait in the wings in case the beautiful butterfly didnt appear centrestage.
But she did. And its dark and cold in the wings. Its lonely. And it hurts so bad.
And now I am trying to give this whole "relationship" thing a go and i have met two really amazing guys, both of whom seem willing to take me on... but I think of him whenever I am with them. The little things about them I find bearable are just manifestations of him.
And then sometimes its like trying to force myself into these relationships like "okay, hes a nice guy, he seems to adore me, he has good values... he cares, hes nice" but i cant be ME with them.
I cant show them my music and when i see them i dont get dizzy and my heart doesnt beat faster and when they touch me... its not warm, its mechanic. I always make excuses to leave.
But everytime i see HIM... its still there and i hate myself for it. Why wont it stop? I thought if someone hurt you this bad you would at least be able to dislike them... maybe even hate them.
But i cant... im trying but i cant. Because i just feel so empty without him.
And i dont have him so emptiness and fear and pain is all i have.
And im taking so many pills... cutting, drinking.... i just want to die. I really do. I cant do this anymore.
It hurts too much. And im living in this daze constantly from everything that i am taking and i cant even begin to imagine what it would be like if i had a clear head... the thought terrifies me.
Where are you???
You know the time we have can be counted on our fingertips.
S.
x
- Location:hell
- Mood:
sad
S
x
- Location:Work
- Mood: depressed
She's running out of room to write now... running out of strength and defiance and will to live.
And cant leave you. But knows staying is killing her.
But she knows that your fine. It seems ironic.
Please... just let me go.
To keep me hanging in suspense
Then I'd run over to your house
And I'd scale the chain link fence
That borders your back yard
And then I'd climb through your window
And I'd whisper that I love you
As you fall out of your clothes
And we'd lay there in the darkness
Like the dream of you I had
Where we captured all the fireflies
And we knew what time we had
Could be counted on our fingertips
That almost made you cry
You let me hold you tightly
As we said all our goodbyes
And may I say I loved you more
May I say I loved you more
And it must've been an hour
That I clutched you in my arms
And I must have said the right
Things because you instantly felt warm
And you heard my heart stop beating
And you wanted not to cry
As your sympathetic whispers
They told a tale of bad goodbyes
You swore you saw me laughing
And I swore I saw you smile
As the time we've spent together
Was meant to last us quite a while
As I take this piece of you with me
I'll carry to my grave
And knowing that for someone
You're an angel sent to save
(Keep Breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you
Keep breathing, just keep breathing.)
May I say I loved you more
(Keep Breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you
Keep breathing, just keep breathing.)
May I say I loved you more
Let's drink to memories we shared
Down one for all the hopes and cares
Here's two for being unaware that you're gone
Because before too long you'll be a memory
Let's drink to memories we shared
(Before to long you'll be a memory)
Down one for all the hopes and cares
(Because before to long you'll be a memory)
Here's two for being unaware
(I said before to long you'll be a memory)
That you're gone
(You're gone)
I said too long you'll be a memory
- Music:One Man Drinking Games-Mayday Parade
You know what I think??? I think that if you live like your dying you will... die I mean.
Because I just currently dont give a fuck....
You can walk out into the road without looking... just cos you can.
You can take whatever you want.... because who is really counting??
You can do what you like cos... well no one really cares.
You can lie in the rain for hours and just cry... because no one is watching.
Its liberating.
But... God... I'm so lonely.
I wish someone actually cared.... I wish there was someone to count and care and watch.
But...
Theres not.
So... why not right??
S.
- Location:Work
So, here's the thing. My magical and mystical piece of advice for all aspiring misery makers:
If people try to right their wrongs with you... you shouldnt be there to see it. You should be long gone, if you are going to wait around for people to make it all better then you are weak and life will slowly wear you down.
People do not get second chance... they messed up the first, why the hell would you give them another one to do the same thing???
You do not, above all other things, fall in love. Love is dangerous, it is pain in the worst possible form. Remember everything has to end... it just does.
Friends are a luxury, not a neccessity. You can do fine on your own, its safer, its stronger and its the only thing that is certain... you really are on your own. Get the fuck used to it.
This is how I intend to carry on for now. If you cant touch me, you cant hurt me.
You know I'm right too... think about it. Sure, maybe its a little miserable... but it might JUST be suvivable.
Is the way you live your life going to end it???
S.
the drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer.
You wont try to save me
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate.
You taught my heart
A sense I never knew I had
I can't forget
The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine.
You won't leave me alone
Chisel my heart out of stone
I give in everytime.
You taught my heart
A sense I never knew I had
I can't forget
The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine
I bet you laugh
At the thought of me thinking for myself (myself)
I bet you believe (bet you believe)
That I'm better off with you than someone else
Your face arrives again
All hope I had becomes surreal
But under your cover's
More torture than pleasure
And just past your lips
There's more anger than laughter
Not now or forever will I ever change you
I know that to go on I'll break you, my habit
You taught my heart
A sense I never knew I had
I can't forget
The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine
I will save myself.
I want you to leave me alone... dont ask anything more of me, dont contact me, just leave me the hell alone.
I dont care if you dont want to forget.
I WANT TO FORGET.
I want to have never ever loved you. I want you out of my life and I want it now. I dont give a shit about what you want anymore. I saw your photos on facebook and it was like my heart broke all over again. So thats what you sacrificed me for??? Awesome. So you go to Illicit to get a peircing with her. Isnt that something we were going to do??
Sure il come to NPL with you... but that is the last time you will ever see me outside of work. I can promise you that. Make you one more promise and one more only.
And that is that you will lose me. You already have.
Dont ask anything more of me, please Alex.
It was so clearly her or me and you chose.
ANd yeah... i do know how this ends. And when it does dont you DARE come back to me.
S.
You are my sad song, my angry song... my hurt song.
Everything but my happy song.
